Facing Reality...

Wow! It's been near 2 months since I've last written!

Let me start by saying that my daughter's wedding was so beautiful! It turned out to be a gorgeous day and we were able to celebrate with family and friends from all over. =o) I am happy to say the newlyweds are most definitely enjoying wedded bliss! ;o)

Gosh! I feel like there's so much to say. So many thoughts running through my mind. I've been thinking about updating my blog for a little while now. It's been on my mind constantly! I have to confess, I'm a little nervous this time around. Not too sure why, but I am! It's been a roller coaster of emotions and trials since I last wrote. So with a prayer in my heart, I'm just going to write and let whatever thoughts come, just come.

In my last post, I talked about my Dad. For those who have read my posts, it's no secret that he took his own life nearly 3 months ago. Well, after the wedding and all the hoopla with that seemed to calm down, it seemed like for the first time I was really able to grieve the loss of my Dad. Not that I hadn't grieved before, it's just there were too many other things to focus on, that I kind of buried some of those emotions to deal with later. Well, later came. Along with that, there was other things going on as well. I won't go into too much detail about that, except to say it felt like everything was taking it's toll on me. Both physically and emotionally.

In regards to my grief about my Dad, it seemed to magnify ten-fold when at what would appear around the same time, I realized due to health reasons, I would not be able to attend my Dad's memorial service which is being held out of state. That alone devastated me.

I know where my Dad is. I know he is at peace. I know he is safe. I know he is watching over me. All of that wasn't the problem. It was the fact that for one, I wasn't able to make it my father-in-law's funeral and now this. It wasn't so much about being able to say good-bye. I know I can talk to him whenever I want. I just wanted to be there. To be near the rest of the family. To participate. And now I wasn't going to be able to do that.

On top of that realization, my Dad's obituary was in the paper. It was all so surreal to see it there. It was all there in black and white. He really was gone. Also, my Dad's cell phone was finally turned off, so I couldn't call it to hear his voice. There was no longer a reason to have "Dad Johansen" as a contact in my phone.

All of this hit me so hard. I realized the depth of my emotions and grief were much deeper than I thought. At first, I felt like I was handling it well. But with all of this, it sent me spiraling downhill. I guess you could say I went into an emotional void. I was going through the motions of life. I was taking care of my family, but I was internally sinking. I loved and still love my Dad very, very much. I was very close to him. I think that's why it's been so tough for me.

I want to share something with you. As I've been going through this dark period, I've still been trying to live my life and be a good person and do all the things that I know are right. Yet, I still felt like I was sinking! I would pray constantly for guidance and comfort. As well as understanding. I had started to question myself as a person! Wondering if I really was doing any good! My self-confidence seemed shattered. I just prayed to get out of this funk!

I've had this happen to me many, many times and I know it's happened to others. But one day I was trying to read my scriptures and I just couldn't focus where I had left off. So, I prayed that I would be led to what I should read. I just opened my scriptures. I did this for about a week and I want to share with you a part of my journal that talks about what I found.

"...I've been praying to find the scripture to read each day that will help me. Here's what's been happening lately.

"5/25/2010 - ...I was still struggling trying to figure out if I really was or has done anything good. Kind of like am I really worth it? Am I really good enough?

"Here is the scripture I found - Matt 25:34-40. It talks about feeding the hungry, clothing the naked, visiting the sick, etc.  - 'If ye have done it unto the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.'

"I took that as I need to serve, but also that I have done these things in the past. So keep doing them. Think of others' needs.

"5/26/2010 - I  opened my scriptures up to Alma 37:36-37. The message there was to pray always. IE: night and day. 'Let all your comings and goings be unto the Lord.'

"5/27/2010 -I was sad about everything... so I prayed and opened my scriptures to 2Ne 31:19-21. That scripture tells us to 'Press forward with a steadfastness in Christ.'

"To me that meant that I needed to stay strong even in the midst of great trials. Stay firm in the gospel.

"Today I had a very long prayer and then opened up my scriptures. This is what I read today. 5/28/2010 - Psalm 1 and D&C 75:1-5, 16. Here is what I got out of those - Be faithful unto the Lord, following His commandments and through that faithfulness and obedience we can gain eternal life.

"So here is the lesson:
5/25/10 - Serve others.
5/26/10 - Pray always.
5/27/10 - Press forward with a steadfastness in Christ.
5/28/10 - Remain faithful and gain eternal life.

"It's going to take time and work, but I know that as I do these things I will feel alive again! I will be able to have peace and joy. I will be able to progress.

"Although I have faltered greatly as of late, I know that the Lord does live! The gospel is true! That as hard as it is, this life really is worth living."

I'm not sure why I felt the need to share that, but I just did. So, I hope it means as much to you as it does me. Know that I really am OK and I mean it this time! =o)

I've learned many things throughout my life. One thing I do know is that there will be moments when life is really good and we're on top of the world! Then there are moments when it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Everything has a time and a season. There are lessons to be learned in everything we do. Everything we experience. Good or bad. Happy or sad.

The real question is, what are you going to do with that knowledge? With all those lessons learned through experience? Are you going to rise above it all or let it beat you down? Are you going to share it with others or bury it deep within? Are you willing to become a better person you were today than yesterday? Or are you willing to stand still and not progress at all?

We all have our "comfort zones". However sometimes we are forced to step "out of the box". I personally believe that it's in those moments when we "step out of the box" and leave our cocoon and really spread our wings, that we soar in life! I don't know about you but I'm ready to fly! =o)

May this summer be filled with many grand adventures whether at home or on the road! =o)

Also, to all the Dad's out there...especially my own and my husband's...Happy Father's Day!

Love, Cheryl